A start of another work week, and already I've messed it all up.  Luckily, I was able to pick up an extra shift for this morning; unfortunately that left me depleted during the afternoon and I ended up taking a nap.  Now it's after 11 PM and I'm still pretty alert, which isn't the greatest news considering I have to be up at 5:30 tomorrow morning.  Way to take off on the right foot. Brilliant.

Things are spiraling out of control over here in my own personal wonderland.  I hurtle towards a certain, specific doom, but at the same time everything seems to be running on their own personal schedules, not in a hurry to get anywhere any time soon.  Still, it's all very terrifying.  At most moments I feel powerless and helpless.  If I take a bird's eye view on the past couple of months, I see that strides have been made, a hustle has been partaken.  From afar it looks like I'm working hard to make things happen.

So why does it feel like I'm dead weight? Why do I feel like I'm nothing more than an overwhelming inconvenience to those around me, to my roommates?  I've felt extremely uncomfortable in my own house for the entire weekend; I've spent most of the time holed out in my room, in front of the laptop doing everything but accomplishing nothing.  This is the problem -- the accomplishments, the ones that matter, are not rearing their beautiful heads.  I'm still without a job.  I have absolutely no money whatsoever...I can't even afford basic necessities.  I'm a bum trying to parade around as a successful young professional.

I feel good tonight; I'm forcing myself to sit here at my computer and grind out this pitch bible. I have to put in the work .... there's no other way things'll happen for you.  I hope that everything works out for me; I'd hate to look back on my life, say, 20 years from now and feel unfulfilled for whatever reason.  I don't know if I would be able to live with myself.  Hence why I need to force myself to work through the stagnation and lethargy.

There was a Trebas film festival today. I didn't attend, technically because it was during the afternoon while I was still at work.  I honestly could have taken the day off -- my superiors would have had no problem with it -- but instead I made the conscious decision not to attend the proceedings.  Now to be honest, not going was kind of the right decision; I'm in a bit of a bind financially so taking time off of work wouldn't be very prudent.  However, to tell myself that that was the deciding factor would be a lie.  I just really had reservations about going to the film festival! It may have been the thought of seeing J's and M's films again, and having to relive the colourful chapter once more.  It could have been the thought of having to field multiple questions concerning my present employment status, and where it all went wrong, and lamenting over just how badly I got fucked over.  It could have been the thought of having to sit in a chair and observe how my peers are being so much more successful than I am at the moment.

Whatever it was, I was pretty darned certain I wasn't in any proper state of mind to brave those battlefields, so I kept my distance. Now, surely Wesley and the rest of the faculty will not be happy with my choice, but I'll deal with all of that when the need arises. Besides, I have an air-tight alibi.

I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that I miss how things used to be.  How they used to be a year ago. I was thinking about whether or not I was going to jot anything down in this notebook tonight, and it was at that particular moment that the nostalgia washed over me.  It was different this time around, though.  Usually nostalgic sentiments do nothing short of breaking my heart...but this time around it was more of a faint regret.  I guess that's a good thing, but I can't say that I'm completely certain of that.

I miss coming to this notebook everyday and expressing my love for J.  It was exhilarating; it was therapeutic; it was so full of hope and inspiration. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss being in love.  I want to, just once in my life, fall in love with someone and know, and be confident in the fact, that she's returning that love right back to me.  Heh, seems pipe dreams are all the rage this week.  I dunno, I don't want to seem pessimistic, but that seems to be to the only way to counteract all this wishful thinking that's been infesting my mind these days.  Too many times have I had to deal with crushing disappointments.  It just isn't worth it anymore, not when the payoff is nothing more than a gamble.

Well, now. I have to say today has definitely been one of my better days going back -- I don't know, probably close to two months?  I sit here this evening, listening to some music, enjoying the contentment and the now-almost-unfamiliar sense of accomplishment that are languidly washing over these tense shoulders. Yes, today was a good day.  And, get this, I spent it doing the things that I love to do most, funny enough.

I wonder if, down the road, I look back upon today as the definitive point where things began to look up.  I have a frightening feeling that this may end up being the case.  Frightening because I should never allow myself to think such thoughts; one only manages to open the door up enough to let disappointment to barge in and ruin your furniture.  Frightening because I already know that I'm probably not going to be able to stop myself from thinking such thoughts; the idea is already deeply entrenched in my consciousness by now.  Why? This shouldn't be happening. This is a very, very bad idea.

But, at the same time, what's wrong with feeling a little confident?  I went into Euphonic Sound today and dropped my verse addressing the Unity/Community themes, leaving them legitimately impressed.  On top of that, I may be able to go back and record another verse and get the whole song, which would be epic. So, I WANT to look back on this day and know it was the beginning of something amazing.  End of story.

It's going to be another one of those nights, I can just feel it.  One of those nights where the restlessness isn't full-blown, but still far from bearable.  One of those nights where your attention span shrinks to nothing, so there are so many things you want to do -- but, unfortunately, you don't have the patience to do any of it.  One of those nights that is destined to be an impressively colossal bust.

So I sit here in the...I don't even know what to call this room.  It's like a sun-room attached to the kitchen.  I wouldn't actually call it a sun-room, though. Either way, I sit here on my rejuvenated laptop (the same laptop I swore never to pick up again) typing aimlessly away.  I need to find a way back to where I need to be, where one could actually afford to take inspiration for granted because it was always just around the corner.

It wasn't too long ago when I had breathed the ultimate sigh of contentment and relief; I had "made it" and everything was going to be okay.  I had landed the perfect job -- it was within my field, it allowed me improvement in my skills and talents, and, again, it afforded me copious amounts of inspiration and drive.  The job wasn't perfect, far from it actually, but I was in the exact position I wanted to be at this particular point in my life.

Most importantly, I had stuck it to all the doubters and nay-sayers that had polluted -- and, I guess, continue to pollute -- my existence.  All those people who said that pursuing a career in the film & television industry (i.e. pursuing my dreams) was a bad idea, end of story.  Those people who never thought to offer any words of encouragement; who only chose to offer criticism that was always, always far from constructive.  I had stuck it to ALL of them; I had shown them all that I was stronger, more resolute, and greater than any of their previous assumptions and conclusions.  I had them all waiting for the fall that would never come.  More than anything, this self-validation, this resounding VICTORY, unfortunately would become the cornerstone to any future developments that would occur in my life.

I became complacent.  Maybe a little too proud.

The job disappeared.  It proved to have never really existed as I had seen it, and indeed validated everything the doubters and naysayers had been saying for close to 2 years.  The cornerstone was gone, and thus so was the resolution, the inspiration, and the drive.